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| The Blessed Mother, the Three Arch-angels, and my sleeping perennial gardens |
Ask
and you will receive! Ahhhh! All day long I have been in this horrible
funk. I don’t like that! I have always found, in my vast experience,
that it is much more fun to be happy than sad.
When I was swimming my laps at record pace (not even in my dreams) today,
and I looked up through the large windows into the endless cloudy blah, I
thought on sometimes how isolated I feel. It made me miss my mommy that much more.
I
find for me that when I have some kind of “issue” I feel so dang much better if
I can regurgitate it up through say screaming, or sobbing, or talking really
fast to my husband or one of my core friends- my Christian Rock Women: Sheila,
and Jen, and Andrea, and Ellen. I don’t
do too well at “suffering in silence”.
Not my gig. I think that a lot of
the saints, well, the Blessed Mother for one did that. They suffered silently, humbly, with true
goodness and resignation.
Can’t
do it. I’ve tried. I become like this tinderbox of volatility and
if you’re stupid enough to light a match too close to me by golly I will go off
like a rocket! No, best to just throw it
all up early on, before I get out of hand.
I pined for a long time over not being able to absorb a lot of things, internalize,
but I’ve come to the conclusion that is not how God made me. And that is okay. I’m a talker.
I externalize. It is what it is,
so just deal with it.
But
in recent months, maybe it’s because of this weather, this polar vortex of ridiculously
crappy cold and snow that doesn’t seem to have an end in sight- I have been
battling, mentally. God has been giving
me all kinds of things to contemplate, with the devil nipping at my heels. The wheels keep a spinning in my vast, vacuous
cranium, and I want to talk about it, but there is only so much of the same
subject over, and over, and over again that my husband can handle! Poopy man.
While
I could get discouraged at my wishy-washy spiritual life, how we just seem to
sort a thing out when moments later I am second-guessing what is truth once
again, I have been trying to put it into a better perspective. I was focusing on this before the Blessed
Sacrament and I thought of a fortress, and how the enemy is forever trying to
find a way through the barriers. Just
because you withstand an invasion in one attempt certainly will not end the
battle. The enemy will forever try and
find another way in. There will always
be different life experiences that will challenge what I might believe to be
true about this thing or that, it is then I must hide myself in the Heart of
Jesus and pray that my house is always built on that foundation of rock. (Mt.
7:24-27) On truth.
These
life-and-God-searching issues are tough ones to share with people, except my
mom. I am seeing once again that I just
need to bring it all to Jesus. I did a
lot of that when my mom was battling her cancer; I went into the silent church
and regurgitated all my hurt and sorrow and Jesus gave me His shoulder to cry
on. He was always there for me. Always.
He never got tired of hearing the same stuff. And where my foundation
and walls are flimsy, He, in time and experience is strengthening me to
withstand the onslaught.
I
guess what I am realizing over and over in my training is that I am exercising
my mind and heart just as much, if not more than these legs. I am assuming that God is simply
strengthening me, strengthening me to be pliable. I sense a little more that He is working in
me, and my “third person”, steps out again and sees that I am cooperating,
because I am not instantly praying to have these mental struggles removed, but
I am letting go if even the littlest bit to my will in the matter. I pray that these little nothings of
suffering have some merit, are doing some good as I attach them all through the
Immaculate Heart into the Heart of Jesus- for my four reasons for running the
Boston Marathon:
Why am I doing this…
1.)
In thanksgiving for the great gift of the Blessed Sacrament.
2.)
To make amends to the Sacred Heart for all the outrages committed
against the Blessed Sacrament by me, by those I love, and by Your enemies.
3.)
I intend to adore You in all the places on earth where The Holy
Eucharist is present and most forgotten and abandoned.
4.)
And I offer it up for all those You have given me to love.
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