Crosses have many shapes and sizes, and some days they come at you in rapid succession, like a machine gun, or just one big atom bomb. Boom. Some are little- like having to scrape the car windows on a cold, dark morning, to the occasional large ones that are almost suffocating in their heft. Today’s cross was heavy and painful. He has been preparing me for it I think, so that only with His help, I can willingly hoist it up on my shoulders. Its weight is making my knees buckle. It is digging deep into my shoulder, all the way to my heart.
I usually sing loud at Sunday mass. I heard a long time ago that the person who sings prays twice, so I guess I figure that if I sing loud, maybe it counts as three times. I did not sing loud today though. The responsorial psalm sunk into me, like the burden of my cross and I felt the overwhelming emotions of its weight and the grace given to accept in.
In God alone is my soul at rest,
the God Who is my help.
The Lord is my rock, my strength, and my hope,
my fortress, my God.
I could see myself crawling along the ground, gritting my teeth, tugging the solid beam with me as I sang quietly, barely maintaining, and looked then to the large crucifix of the One Who knows what real desolation is, complete abandonment. I am not moving fast today, I am not winning any races, but still I am slowly moving forward, dragging that thing with all my might.
Feels like I am running into the wind, uphill.
If you are searching in your life for the definition of what love is, what real love is, there is one answer. All you have to do is look at a crucifix. In looking at the body affixed to its implement of death there is sacrifice, surrender, agony, sorrow, resignation, peace, and love.
Love is not easy. It comes at a cost. The saints would spend countless hours in awed meditation as they gazed upon the image of their salvation. In the cross they saw the Tree of Knowledge, of good and evil. In a world frantically searching and stumbling blindly in vain attempts to understand love, the saints knew where to look. It’s fathomless really. The ocean of love gushed forth from the Heart of Him Who showed us the tremendous value of the cross and the incredible love in sacrificing Himself on it.