Remember how I keep saying I am really good at rest day Fridays in my training schedule? Well, it is still true. I’m a pro at resting. And today was a first Friday. I was able to make it to morning mass and I think I am going to try and do the First Friday devotions this year. We will see. It will take me through November, and since I am not sure of what I’ve got going in fifteen minutes let alone the next eight first Fridays, I will give that one to God for scheduling.
I wanted to hit morning mass especially because I was looking for a little more ammo in my arsenal- today I had to deal with part of a humdinger of a hefty cross. While I am not going to get into the particulars, it required having a conversation with someone and our differing opinions on how to live life. I am very non-confrontational by nature. I do NOT like for anyone to be mad at me. Stresses me the heck out. But sometimes it can’t be helped. You got to suck it up and do it.
In the times when I am really, really low, I am so grateful to God that He tends to pull me in, not with happy thoughts or good vibes, but in encouraging me to fly first to the Blessed Mother (always a sure thing) and she takes me to her Son. And for the last couple days, as I have been dreading this confrontation- I have truly been praying for Him to take over, that I might speak His words, know His will and follow it completely. As the third person, sorta stepping back and studying the scene, I am very pleased that I sometimes do the right things.
I went back over to the church in the late evening, as they were having Eucharist Adoration all night- the stars and moon were bright and quiet as I walked through my neighbor Barb Plante’s yard to the church right across the way. And as I enter the chapel area and first see the tabernacle, in this case the monstrance on the altar I say two things: “Here I am Lord, I come to do Your will.” And I say, “Speak Lord, your servant is listening.” Now we both know that the latter is not always true. Sometimes when I am beside myself with a monster cross I will go over into the empty church and will actually pace the marble floor. When the cross is digging so deeply into me I cannot sit still, I must move. And talk. And maybe complain a little bit. And talk some more. And cry. And cry.
But His shoulders are big. He is my closest friend. He wants to hear all the stuff that I sometimes need to regurgitate up and give Him. He is the only one Who never gets tired of my silliness, my need for reassurance over, and over, and over again.
I know this. I can feel it in the peace that will finally take hold, like no peace the world could give, and I know that even if things don’t always work out to my exact specifications and designs (because hey, I know stuff, if only You want to ask Lord I’ll tell Ya), I know He will take care of it. I scoop it all up and I shove it forward, into His bleeding heart, right there in the tabernacle.
And then I try with everything I have to trust.
“I place this dear one in Your tender, Sacred Heart Lord. I will let go of the hurt. I will let go of the anger only if You will help me, for the sake of them. You know how dear they are to me. But I am unable to manipulate the situation and choices they make. I am powerless in a life that means everything to me. So this is what I am going to do. I am going to pray. I am going to pray over and over again and never give up. I am going to come physically and get right in Your Face about it too, so get ready for that. And then I am going to let go, as hard as that is to do. But I know, in my heart of hearts, that You love this dear one more than I do. So I will trust in You. I will trust.”
|My happy plant place. Very serene.|