One
of the greatest things my mother taught me through demonstration was the value
of the cross. The tremendous value. She
was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, and was given six to nine months to
live, with treatment. She fought for over ten years. The cancer spread to her bones. All those years she battled. She strapped that cross on and carried the
shingles, and hiatal hernia, the prolapsed uterus, and diverticulitis, the
rotting teeth, and a number of severe ear infections with surgeries where they
folded her ear back and removed actual sections of the infected bone, the
hysterectomy, and losing all her hair with then skin infections because of
that, and having her liver nicked during another very difficult surgery, and losing
her sense of taste from the numerous radiation treatments, the constipation, the
diarrhea, and horrible nausea, and cancer devouring all her bones, and the
broken ribs from a car accident…
As
I wrote in my book, these physical tortures were only a small part of the cross
she carried. The emotional crosses:
being isolated for months at a time because she had no immunity, battling years
of depression which was exacerbated by the hardcore medications that wreaked
havoc on her body, being too weak to work- to help out her kids with the little
things in life where a mother lends a hand, having the car and her independence
taken away, when heavy medications made it unsafe for that very independent
woman to drive herself.
How
do I properly explain what it was like to see her battle? And she would always say to me, “I am not
praying for it necessarily to be taken away, only that He gives me the strength
to carry it.” Of course she wanted to be
completely healed! Of course she wanted
to live! Oh, how she wanted to
live! I never saw someone who fought so
hard to live. But she was more than
anything, an obedient daughter. Yes,
there is power in prayer, but for some that answered prayer is not a physical
healing- it is strength to do the impossible with complete resignation to His
will.
I
was very close with my mother, being her only daughter, and so I was intimately
aware of her faults, of her fears, her frustrations. We talked very frankly and honestly on all
these things. She was very human. She was not perfect, but I truly believe that
because she was above everything- that faithful daughter, that suffering
servant, giving all those crosses as a gift back to God to atone for her sins
and those of her family, that in the end Jesus supplied for her all that was
lacking. He was pleased with her great perseverance,
and graced her with sainthood.
"If anyone wishes to
come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow
me...." Luke 9:23
And that is what she
did. Truly. Every single pain-filled day. She picked up that heavy, ugly, beautiful
cross every day, and she followed.
This, she, is the foundation for me. She created my mind-set, my way of thinking
and approaching life. She taught me, in
so many ways how to live. We will all be
faced with a variety of crosses. That is
life. This is the valley of tears. But what she taught me, what my Catholic
faith teaches me is to accept with joy (if you can muster it) the crosses
given, because they are the true road to heaven.
In the second station
Jesus took up His cross. Not only did He
take that cross, but He EMBRACED it. He
kissed it! Why? It is ugly! It is awful!
It is repugnant! And yet the
Savior kissed it as the way He chose to bring salvation to us. And yes, He is the only One Who could do
this, but as it says many times in the bible, He tells us to pick up our own
crosses and follow.
That is, in a small way,
what I am trying to do here with the marathon project. To try and live this road fully and
completely. I want to obediently take
all that is given me, and turn around and give it right back, place it directly
into the Sacred Heart of Jesus. All that
I am. All that I have to give. All that I am created to do, let me do it
Lord. Let me live it. Give me the strength to fight. Like my mom, give me the will to love.
I think this is what she looks like in heaven. Bright, and shining, and so happy.
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