|The Blessed Mother, the Three Arch-angels, and my sleeping perennial gardens|
Ask and you will receive! Ahhhh! All day long I have been in this horrible funk. I don’t like that! I have always found, in my vast experience, that it is much more fun to be happy than sad. When I was swimming my laps at record pace (not even in my dreams) today, and I looked up through the large windows into the endless cloudy blah, I thought on sometimes how isolated I feel. It made me miss my mommy that much more.
I find for me that when I have some kind of “issue” I feel so dang much better if I can regurgitate it up through say screaming, or sobbing, or talking really fast to my husband or one of my core friends- my Christian Rock Women: Sheila, and Jen, and Andrea, and Ellen. I don’t do too well at “suffering in silence”. Not my gig. I think that a lot of the saints, well, the Blessed Mother for one did that. They suffered silently, humbly, with true goodness and resignation.
Can’t do it. I’ve tried. I become like this tinderbox of volatility and if you’re stupid enough to light a match too close to me by golly I will go off like a rocket! No, best to just throw it all up early on, before I get out of hand. I pined for a long time over not being able to absorb a lot of things, internalize, but I’ve come to the conclusion that is not how God made me. And that is okay. I’m a talker. I externalize. It is what it is, so just deal with it.
But in recent months, maybe it’s because of this weather, this polar vortex of ridiculously crappy cold and snow that doesn’t seem to have an end in sight- I have been battling, mentally. God has been giving me all kinds of things to contemplate, with the devil nipping at my heels. The wheels keep a spinning in my vast, vacuous cranium, and I want to talk about it, but there is only so much of the same subject over, and over, and over again that my husband can handle! Poopy man.
While I could get discouraged at my wishy-washy spiritual life, how we just seem to sort a thing out when moments later I am second-guessing what is truth once again, I have been trying to put it into a better perspective. I was focusing on this before the Blessed Sacrament and I thought of a fortress, and how the enemy is forever trying to find a way through the barriers. Just because you withstand an invasion in one attempt certainly will not end the battle. The enemy will forever try and find another way in. There will always be different life experiences that will challenge what I might believe to be true about this thing or that, it is then I must hide myself in the Heart of Jesus and pray that my house is always built on that foundation of rock. (Mt. 7:24-27) On truth.
These life-and-God-searching issues are tough ones to share with people, except my mom. I am seeing once again that I just need to bring it all to Jesus. I did a lot of that when my mom was battling her cancer; I went into the silent church and regurgitated all my hurt and sorrow and Jesus gave me His shoulder to cry on. He was always there for me. Always. He never got tired of hearing the same stuff. And where my foundation and walls are flimsy, He, in time and experience is strengthening me to withstand the onslaught.
I guess what I am realizing over and over in my training is that I am exercising my mind and heart just as much, if not more than these legs. I am assuming that God is simply strengthening me, strengthening me to be pliable. I sense a little more that He is working in me, and my “third person”, steps out again and sees that I am cooperating, because I am not instantly praying to have these mental struggles removed, but I am letting go if even the littlest bit to my will in the matter. I pray that these little nothings of suffering have some merit, are doing some good as I attach them all through the Immaculate Heart into the Heart of Jesus- for my four reasons for running the Boston Marathon:
Why am I doing this…
1.) In thanksgiving for the great gift of the Blessed Sacrament.
2.) To make amends to the Sacred Heart for all the outrages committed against the Blessed Sacrament by me, by those I love, and by Your enemies.
3.) I intend to adore You in all the places on earth where The Holy Eucharist is present and most forgotten and abandoned.
4.) And I offer it up for all those You have given me to love.