Saturday, February 15, 2014

February 9, 2014- My Epic Battle

            I am laughing throughout this journaling experience, because if there is one thing I don’t have, is writers block.  If anything, there is too much churning around constantly in my mind and heart, and I cannot type fast enough!  This is a bit like when I was writing my book about me and my mother.  The words just came, like I was taking dictation.  

A Beautiful Life, A Beautiful Death, A Mother and Daughter's Journey

Paperback, 193 Pages
A Beautiful Life, A Beautiful Death, A Mother and Daughter's Journey

            My mind continues to be the theater for my epic, ongoing battle (which I thought God and I already sorted out, but I guess I am not cooperating).  It starts with the first shot:  Who am I that I should know an inkling of what truth is?  I parley with:  The conviction in me is so strong though!  There is such a joy in this “good news” I want to share.  I blast another volley:  Is this all just the entertaining of my own ego, my own thoughts, or those of God?  The howitzer in retaliation: If I do nothing, if I escape these near-occasions of sin, am I the man given the one talent, “who went off and dug a hole in the ground and buried his master’s money.”? (Mt 25:18)
            Discernment.  Lord, help me!  Give me right judgment, and discernment.  Oh, and while You’re at it, how’s about heaping on some love, I need love… and a charitable heart.  Oh, and some faith, lots of it. 
            And it churns, and churns, and churns.  My brain is going through more of a workout than my body!   
            So we went to Sunday mass, and I smiled at the gospel reading, it is the one Jim and I chose for our wedding.  Mt. 5:13-16:

Jesus said to his disciples: “You are the salt of the earth.  But if salt loses its taste, with what can it be seasoned?  It is no longer good for anything but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.  You are the light of the world.  A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden.  Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all in the house.  Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father.”

           Of course then Gracie has to hand me a kleenex when they sing this number:
  I want to walk as a child of the light;
I want to follow Jesus.
God set the stars to give light to the world;
the star of my life is Jesus.
In him there is no darkness at all;
the night and the day are both alike.
The Lamb is the light of the city of God:
Shine in my heart, Lord Jesus.
  I want to see the brightness of God;
I want to look at Jesus.
Clear Sun of righteousness, shine on my path,
and show me the way to the Father.
  I’m looking for the coming of Christ;
I want to be with Jesus.
When we have run with patience the race,
we shall know the joy of Jesus.

Certain songs can really nourish the soul I find.  I fall, and once again You pick me up Lord.  I doubt, and once again You grace me with faith.     

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