No
school again today. Old Man Winter has a
death grip on Michigan, and he just won’t let go! No matter, I went swimming again, a half hour
in the nice, warm pool, with the sunshine actually streaming in through the
upper windows and hitting me in the face as I paddled by. It was like a Caribbean vacation practically! Ahhhh.
I
am feeling great! Makes me a little
leery and fearful to be perfectly honest.
Okay, true confessions time: I
know a lot has been given me in the grace department, in the everything department!,
and recently I am amazed by it, but always attached to me like my wonky back is
this angle of pride, and I am waiting, in my self-imposed greatness, for the
poop to hit the fan. A lot of times I
(and I am embarrassed to even admit this) see myself as someone who is “all
that” and “in” with God, so much so that He is bound to be giving me some
colossal cross, because hey, I’m colossal.
I
think that fear is the devil’s way, as he whispers in my ear, stroking the
strings of my pride, to keep me from growing too close to God. Because the real truth is I am so dang weak
that at the first thought of something hard that is not of my own creation and
orchestration coming down the pipe or pike (Hmm, don’t know which word is
right) I back off from God so quick it can make my own head spin.
Landmines
again! Everywhere is a landmine! And it’s like I run to them like a kid to
candy, and down I go, into the pit.
Okay. Regroup. The answer?
The Precious Blood. Always, His
Blood. Hide me in your Heart my
God. Hide me from myself, so there is
nothing left of me, only You and Your protection.
And
then I flew, knowing the only good place for me is with my God in the Blessed
Sacrament. I go into that church and the
same indescribable peace fills my sinful heart.
It is a heavenly balm.
Tears
come to me and I say to Jesus, “Oh Pearl of great value!”
I
think on the hour of my mother’s death, and how I am still receiving this huge
wellspring of grace and joy from the saddest moment by far of my life! I feel so strongly that connection to her,
and more than anything a profound thankfulness for all that I have been
given. Sitting alone in that
church. Such a simple thing. I pull out my rosary and silently pray as I
look up at the crucifix. And I know that
this place, sitting, just sitting for a little while with Jesus, my source, my
summit, is what I was made to do.
Everything else in my existence pales.
Just
sitting with my God. Adoring Him. Giving what little there is in me to
give. Such a joy I cannot put into words
to know without a single doubt what my purpose in life is. The Blessed Sacrament is my purpose. And this simple, ordinary, no bells and
whistles act is my road to heaven! And
by golly, I plan on pulling all those I love along with me! Not by my own merit or anything that I can
do, but solely because of His incredible mercy!
Here’s that news flash again (and I proclaim it boldly): I am a sinner! I will always be a sinner and unworthy of
anything He has to give me. Not that I
don’t always strive toward perfection because that pleases Him. But it is what it is! So, what do I do? Run to the Blessed Sacrament. Run.
Run there.
Oh
Pearl of Great Value! How little we
understand on how precious this treasure is.
No one who lights a lamp conceals it with a vessel or sets it under a bed;rather, he places it on a lampstand so that those who enter may see the light. (Lk 8:16)
Typing
this here, this is my lampstand. Therese
of Lisieux, one of my beautiful patron saints who wrote under obedience said
when she handed over her journal that she had no interest one way or another,
throw the papers away, or read them. She
didn’t care. I’m different. I have to admit, I care. I love to write, I always have. And I want to shout to the rafters so that
everyone will see that light. It is the
Blessed Sacrament. The Pearl of greatest
value.
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